You see, this blog might be one of the most honest blogs I've written. What you are about to read is my heart and my struggle, so please, understand that I am a broken person that yearns for more Jesus but recently I have seen my brokenness more than I like to admit.
I am someone that hates to admit their wrong. Conviction is something that literally makes me hurt. I'm unsure if it's my desire to always do the right thing, or my stubbornness that takes over during conviction but either way I tend to shove it out of my mind. If you are honest with yourself, you have done this at least once in your life.
My mechanism for this is that I come up with a huge list of why it's okay. Literally, a list. That's how stubborn I can be, it's like God and I sit down and I try and draw out why I'm right. (please just picture that)
The fact that I even think to consider that I know better than my King is ridiculous.
My most recent experience with this is, is when I told myself this lie-
"I am not one of those girls that tries to complete her life with a guy."
Actually, that's what I've always told myself. And I wasn't just telling it to myself I was actually believing it.
Now, that statement is all truth, and you shouldn't EVER let a guy complete your life, because he can't. Where my conviction comes in is that I was lying to myself.
My words were not matching up with my actions.
I like to put up a "I am a strong independent woman who don't need no man" front, that's just my personality. I have this need for people to see that I am single, and okay with it. So I continued to feed myself these lies, while I pursued other things with my actions.
Recently, I was in a situation that was not my smartest move. A guy had come into my life and I literally jumped at the chance for it. Not only that but in a way I pursued Him.
My lies then shifted. Instead of telling myself I was fine without a guy, I was telling myself this one was fine for me. I was beginning to make exceptions in what I wanted out of a guy because he was a guy and he was giving me attention. I threw out my list and was ready to settle.
I mean, He claimed to love Jesus and that's really all that matters right?
WRONG.
Please hear what I am saying, DO NOT SETTLE.
You are worthy of being pursued in the right way, by a man who fears the Lord, not a boy who is just playing with your heart.
Remember their is a difference in a man after God's own heart and a boy that wears a cross necklace.
Don't be so quick to dive into a relationship because he has "a few of the qualities you want"
So you are 20, single, and have not prospects..guess what... THAT'S OKAY!
I am writing this blog to admit that this is something I struggle with on a daily basis.
I can't flip a switch and make myself not and that's something I am having to realize, but what I can do is change my focus.
Instead of telling myself I am fine being single, I tell myself how much my Jesus loves me. When you sit and meditate on how amazing that truly is, everything else fades away. It's not easy, but it is possible.
After having this conviction and realizing how wrong I have been, Jesus is changing my heart. He is showing me all of the opportunities that await me, opportunities to further His kingdom.
My prayer for each girl that is in my same boat is to see her true worth, to see that Jesus has BIG plans for each of us. We were made for so much more than we think.
Focus on His true promises, not the ones we make up in our head.
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